it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
