We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
