Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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