dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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