Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
