Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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