Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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