Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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