she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize