Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize