Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He better not be in your backpack
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
