Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
