She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
