Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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