Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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