I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
