She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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