so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
