Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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