"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
