Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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