i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
