4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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