I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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