I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
