dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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