Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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