mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I will pee on everything he values.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
