Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
