Whod you bang
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
