I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
