Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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