I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
