We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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