Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
