Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
