Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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