That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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