after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there was a trapeze. enough said
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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