I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
