time to smoke my breakfast
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
