Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
