you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
