When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
