so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
