Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
