i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
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