3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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