Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
