just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
