She is in my trunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
