He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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