I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
