Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
